Welcome to an Always Uttori Howli’ween Tale.
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m your narrator, Varree British. I am also very British, possessing a lovely posh accent. With that out of the way, let’s on with our story.
The story of Pastel Goth Morticia and Pallicanis is really just a simple story of a girl and her dog. Maybe there are a few details that complicate the story: the dog, who rises from his backyard grave every October is . . . well. . . technically, he’s dead. The girl is complicated. How could you be anything but complicated when you’re both an INTJ AND a Pastel Goth in a black and white world? Maybe that’s why the love between Pastel Goth Morticia and Pallicanis is so strong that it transcends life and death.
Cue the violins. . . Oh . . . a moment, please. . .
Dear Reader, please note that Pallicanis (whose name actually means white dog in Latin) says that we should call him Bone Daddy P. Why? Wait a moment. I’ll ask. Yes. Uh Huh. Mmmm. Yes. Yes. Of course, I’ll relay it precisely as you’ve said. . .
Dear Reader, please refer to Pallicanis as Bone Daddy P. because he woofin’ said so, dawg. That’s why. Okay. Now that we’ve addressed that very important fact, you may cue the viol —.
. . . What? What is it now?
. . .
Really? Extraordinary. So, what you’re saying is that INTJ’s don’t appreciate overly sentimental manipulation as might occur in a story where music cues are given to encourage the adoption of an expected, yet inauthentic, emotional response. . . Riiight. Well, how do you get them to do what you want?
. . . . . . . . .
You what? You let them decide ON THEIR OWN? What the? Well that certainly complicates my job, does it not? And what, precisely, are you running here, some kind of site for revolutionaries? I mean, really! Let them decide on their own? Everyone knows that INTJs are only a small minority of the cognitive population. Shouldn’t we be more interested in getting them to be like everyone else? It would make life so much easier for them.
. . .
No? Did you just say, no? To me? You do realize that I’m a highly sought after narrator? Without me, this drivel that you’re trying to pass off as a classic Howli’ween tale will fall utterly flat.
. . .
You don’t care? Extraordinary! You know what, woof this! Ha! That’s right. Woof it! I’m done. Next time you want someone to narrate your weird INTJ story about a weird INTJ Pastel whateverthehecksheis, call someone with an American accent and a different MBTI type. In fact, get Sarah Michelle Gellar. She’s an ENFP. This paranormal crap is more her kind of thing anyway. Just be careful that she doesn’t slay your stupid, plastic mutt. Oh, What? You didn’t think I knew the truth about that dog of yours? You thought you could hide what it really is? How paradoxically optimistic of you, you cynical INTJ. Good luck you Morticia Addams wannabe. You and that plastic dog deserve each other!
Sound: Door Slam. Silence. Whining dog.
Dear Reader, Meet Pastel Goth Morticia (Who is NOT a Morticia Addams wannabe) and Pallicanis. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we’ve decided to tell the story as a photo editorial. Please enjoy.
Check out part 2 here.