Happy Valentine’s Day! Regardless of whether or not you are a part of a couple, Valentine’s Day is a good time to let those who are close to you know that you care. When that someone close is an INTJ friend or partner, you may feel that nothing will meet what appears to be the INTJ’s exacting standards. Yeah, INTJs can be enigmatic, but they’re also pretty easy going. If you’ve put effort into something you think they’ll like, then you can rest assured that your INTJ will appreciate the gift. However, there are some things you can do to really let them know you understand them, and you care for them.
To be quite honest, INTJs don’t expect others to make an effort on their behalf, so just doing trying to do something special is a win in the eyes of the INTJ female. However, going beyond the standard chocolate and flowers will help you truly make an INTJ female’s heart melt. With that in mind, I’m going to share a model based on INTJ cognition style that will not only make her feel special, but will connect you to your INTJ in a way that goes beyond standard gifting to a place of connection at the deepest level of your INTJ’s heart (which, if you don’t know by now, is actually her brain). This model is simple, but keeping it in mind when determining ways to show her you care can help you be that perfect fit every girl, even INTJ girls, dream of.
What’s The Secret? Time-states.
I got this idea from my brother, also an INTJ. His Instragram, @state_of_chi, says that he exists in distinct states. While his “distinct” states have to do with identity roles, I started thinking about the concept in general. The reality is that we all exist in three distinct states. Our lives are defined by these distinct states. We call them time. If you’ve ever studied physics, you’ve probably heard of “the arrow of time.” The idea of time as an arrow was developed by British astronomer, Arthur Eddington. Eddington developed the metaphor to illustrate the fact that, reverse aging creams notwithstanding, at the biological level, we are all moving forward along a timeline. We’re actually all moving toward entropy, but that’s another topic. Others further developed Eddington’s theory, and one of the more descriptive arrows of time adds causality to the time arrow (or cause and effect). So, combine causality and time states: past, present, future, and you’ve got four pillars of a theoretical framework that, if applied to cognition style, can be used as a way of connecting to your INTJ.
So why would time-states be effective in connecting to an INTJ?
INTJs spend a lot of time in their heads, even while talking or interacting with others. If you can get your INTJ into the present moment, into the here and now with you, you become someone who gives them a reason to leave the clutter of an over-busy mind (the INTJ mind is both an adventure and, at times, a prison). Once you’ve gotten your INTJ into the here and now, it’s important to do things that will make good memories. Other MBTI types may stay in a relationship, even if it’s a bad one, because of certain moral values. Not INTJs. INTJs are one of the most future-oriented MBTI types, they use history of interaction as a data point to project future possibilities. If your INTJ can’t think back to good times that you’ve shared together in the past, they become less willing to spend time with you in the present. Your past together informs their idea of you, and whether they want to put effort into maintaining the relationship. This means that it’s important that you engage with INTJs in a way that allows them to want you in their future. I don’t know if time-states can be applied as a foundation for connecting to other MBTI types, but I do think that it is a fit for INTJs. And while every individual is unique, I’ve outlined 5 time-state activities that you can try with your INTJ to develop and deepen your connection to each other.
5 way to make you INTJ feel special Using time-state Thinking
Bring her into the present by geeking out together.
INTJs have obsessions. Often, they’re embarrassed about these obsessions because, to most others, their obsessions can seem, well, geeky. To get your INTJ into the present, give her the opportunity to wax poetic about the intricacies, theories, and metas regarding her obsessions. Better yet, participate in theorizing with her. Ask intelligent questions. Challenge her thinking with well-developed arguments. Go to cray-cray with her, and act like you’re at home. Often, the obsession of an INTJ has as much to do with a busy mind, as it has to do with actual belief. Is your INTJ sold on what may sound to others like a crackpot conspiracy? Well, the difference between an INTJ female, and a conspiracy theorist tends to be subject matter. In my opinion, INTJ females reserve their most passionate theorizing for fiction. Theorizing, like the theories I come up with for this blog, is mostly about giving your INTJ’s brain something to do as she goes about her mundane life. Pinterest says it best with this quote: “The INTJ female is an ancient soul, in a modern body, with a futuristic mindset.” It is any wonder your INTJ has an overactive mind? Let her share some of those obsessions of mind with you, and she will love you for it. Your take from the effort? The deep, analytical conversations will connect you in a way that a box of high-calorie chocolates never could.
Make her a woman with a past filled with memories of you (Section Updated)
One of the reasons INTJs prefer living in their heads, is that their minds are filled with the fantastic. Real life can seem so very mundane when contrasting it against that fictional ideal male every woman is socialized to want. Additionally, INTJ females like a little bad boy with their perfect Mr. Right, but that’s a fine line to walk. Spice up the time you spend with your INTJ by being a little dangerous. Make excuses to touch her in public. You know the drill — brush a piece of lint from her coat, pull her close to make sure that she doesn’t walk into another person, lean in to tell her something in a loud space and let your lips lightly touch her ear. Each time you get close to your INTJ, you are giving her hints of danger( INTJs have a wide personal space bubble). Once you’ve proven you can engage an INTJ mentally, you’ve got to move into her space in a seductive fashion (always have a good reason, or you could get slapped). The more you do this, the more comfortable your INTJ will be with letting you close because, in her mind, you’re a bit dangerous, and that amps up your desirability (it’s a woman thing). What I wouldn’t recommend is spending lots of time hanging out in a platonic fashion, and expecting your INTJ to look at you romantically. You’ve got to make known your intention to move the relationship to another level. If the interest is returned, or your INTJ crush doesn’t shut you down completely, get to work. I’ll give you a personal example. I went on a few dates with a guy who never acted in the least bit romantic. Nice guy. I knew after the second date that we could be friends. Could we be something more? I doubted it, and he did nothing to build a case in that direction. Then one night, after he’d been out of town for a month, we got together for dinner, and he suddenly wanted me to go over to his apartment to “hang” out. His expression was nervous, shifty, and anticipatory. Maybe hang out more was really what he wanted to do, I don’t know, but my automatic response was to deny him. He’d been out of sight, out of mind for a month. As I said before, he was nice, but he didn’t seem like boyfriend material. He’d certainly never acted like a boyfriend. We’d gone out together four or five times, and he’d never even tried to hold my hand. I didn’t think anything of the denial, until I got a “let’s just be friends” text. From my perspective, that’s what we were being. I happily agreed to this because my past with him was little more than hanging out on occasion. For me there was nothing to miss. The point is, if you don’t want to be like my friend??? Who may, or may not, be angry with me for denying him whatever it was that he wanted, add a sense of titillation in your interactions with your INTJ female. Otherwise, your actions will seem as though they are coming from nowhere, and will be a break in your pattern of behavior. INTJ females are quite happy to friend zone even the hottest guy because no matter how attractive someone may be, love is a dangerous disadvantage. If we’re going to be pulled into it, there has to be something to draw our attention as we like not having to deal with feelings. Get out of the friend zone and into your INTJ’s space. Stimulate her mind. Titillate her senses: fill her memories with your caring touch, with the scent of you, with eye contact that says you want her even closer. Make sure that her past interactions with you leave her aching for more, and that smile on your INTJ’s face when she thinks of you will last far longer than an expensive bouquet of flowers.
Create possibilities for a future together through shared learning.
INTJs love to learn, so take your INTJ to do something that gives you both the opportunity to learn a skill that you can use together in the future, whether it be cooking, woodworking, or deep-sea fishing, just make sure it’s something your INTJ has an interest in. INTJs like to learn deeply, so make sure that you dedicate the time for more practice and more exploration of a topic. This gives you opportunities to spend more time with an INTJ, which means more opportunities to connect. What’s in it for you? Well, hopefully you’re altruistic enough to do this because you love her, but lifelong learning protects your brain, and makes you a more well-rounded individual.
Spend the Day in Bed
Have you seen those t-shirts declaring: I’d rather be in bed!? Yeah. Time-state your way through a day in bed. Make a rule that you can only leave the bed to (1) go to the bathroom, and (2) answer the door for the Chinese takeout guy. Otherwise, its PJs, pillow-talk, and bed crumbs. Obviously this requires a little planning. You’ll need some cold beverages close at hand, your comfy PSs, and a couple of entertaining movies, but the important thing to know about INTJs is that this represents a dream date with a spouse (I’m conservative in this area), or committed partner (not everyone is conservative). INTJs are homebodies, and if you can have fun at home, they’ll appreciate you all the more.
Another thing you can do while hanging out in bed is:
Because INTJs are future-oriented, identify a project or activity that you can do together that requires discussion and planning. This is a nice way to help your INTJ see themselves with you in their future. Want a committed relationship with an INTJ (or any J)? Planning is an important life skill to have.
bottle YOUR TIME
We have often talked about the need that INTJ have for alone time. Even so, many activities that are seemingly solitary can be shared with another — the experience of which often enriches both individuals. Think of the time you spend with your INTJ as time that you keep in a bottle – like the old Jim Croce song from 70’s. There’s never enough time to do the things that you want to do when you find them, but if you are in a committed relationship with an INTJ, treat time spent together as precious, as time you would keep in a bottle. Try to avoid to much of the mundane, or find ways to make the mundane special. When you commit to making your INTJ feel special, there are plenty of rewards, but to get there requires genuine caring and commitment. You can’t fake these behaviors for the sake of getting close to your INTJ. This isn’t a plan for how to trick an INTJ into thinking you like her. Initiating these behaviors connects you to your INTJ, but they also open you up to be better understood by your partner. If you are not sincere, it will show. If you are acting from a place of genuine caring, your commitment will help her find ways to love you more deeply. These steps take you from me to we, and it benefits both partners.
Thanks for reading. Hope this all made sense, and that you’ll let me know what you think if you try any of these activities with your significant other. I should note that I did have help on some aspects of this article. My parents have been married for almost 30 years, and they know a thing or two about relationships, so thanks, guys.