The INTJ and Romance: Loving the Guarded Girl

Sporty Gal, Photo 1. Photo Credit: Mechelle Avey. The INTJ and Romance: Loving the Guarded Girl. Alwaysuttori.com

One of the most popular searches on the Always Uttori website is about INTJs and romance. This has been the case for some time now. When I see these searches, I can’t help but wonder if the person searching is masochistic, or just very brave. You want to fall in love with an uber rational? Really? Added to the rational factor is that INTJ females tend to be guarded in giving their commitment. While that sounds like something easy to overcome, the sad reality for many men is that loving a woman who is guarded can be very difficult. There are many idiosyncrasies of the romantic process in which INTJs may, or may not, be willing to participate.

Typically most people, even guys, enjoy the emotional aspects of love. It is almost as though the goal of love is the shivery feeling of excitement that accompanies the anticipation of seeing your “crush.” Or it’s the fluttering butterfly wings and uncertainty of being able to please the other with your appearance, or some other characteristic of physical attraction. While nice, those things ARE NOT love. They are attraction. Attraction can get you into a lot of trouble, trouble that rational INTJs would rather avoid. For the INTJ, love is first about a meeting of the minds. Not that attraction and biology don’t play a role, it’s just that physical attraction rarely hijacks the INTJ female’s mind.

But what about biology? All that hormonal stuff, like emitting pheromones, and the creation of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin — the neurotransmitters that make us a bit crazy when we’re in love? Yes, it’s true that falling in love creates a cocktail of chemical reactions in your body, but ultimately, forever love is far more complex than such feelings. For the INTJ, used to setting aside emotional responses for later analysis, the emotions that signal attraction can be overlooked, or viewed with suspicion.  If you find yourself crushing on a female INTJ, it’s important to understand that, even if the INTJ female is attracted to you, she won’t necessarily act on that attraction.

Ten Tips for Loving the Guarded Girl

If you’re committed to a relationship with an INTJ female here are a few tips that might help your cause.

  1. Practice Patience – INTJ females are guarded because they think differently than many other females. The INTJ may be more focused on getting an education, or even just reading a book. Attraction to a member of the opposite sex can be viewed as threatening to the INTJ’s independence. If you’re really into an INTJ female, you will have to practice patience.
  2. Practice Consistency – INTJ females develop conclusions based on patterns. They rarely forget something that you tell them. If you are inconsistent, break promises, or change from one day to the next, you’re not the right person for an INTJ female and you will be marked off the list of suitable partners.
  3. Be Calm – For the most part, INTJ females are pretty easy-going. That doesn’t mean we don’t have emotions, but getting upset or emotional is just not worth it for most things. When engaging with an INTJ female, try to bring a calm type of energy with you as INTJ females do not appreciate drama.
  4. Be Direct – INTJs are pretty direct people, except when they’re not. In matters of love and relationships, your INTJ crush is probably not going to move things forward for you. If you are interested in a relationship, you will need to be direct regarding your interest. INTJs will let you know if they are not interested, so you don’t have to wonder. They’re not game-players, something they see as a waste of time. Plus, with introverted feeling, they’re not overly worried about how you feel.  If an INTJ is interested in a relationship with you, that’s when things can get difficult because this is when the guarded girl gets “weird.” Don’t worry. She’s just testing you to see if you truly accept her. So, if you get past that first hurdle, be committed and consistent. The guarded girl is guarded for a reason. If you don’t overreact to her weirdness, or reject her, she’ll soon return to normal, and you can move to the next phase of the relationship. Shared commitment.
  5. Be Considerate of her need for independence. If you need a girlfriend who admires everything you do, and is always texting you, or at your house, run from the INTJ. INTJ females are great partners, unless you are emotionally needy. That’s not to say that they won’t listen to you, or try to meet your emotional needs. They’re great listeners. Just don’t expect constant validation. INTJ females are driven, independent women. They are looking for an equal, not an emotionally fragile male ego who needs a woman to give him an identity. The time you spend with your INTJ partner should be high quality and focused on each other. So, don’t feel rejected if she needs space, it really is not you. It’s her. If she’s willing to spend time with you, at all, she cares. And if you’re not in constant need of validation, she’ll listen and give you validation (or something like it) when you do need it.
  6. Be Capable. INTJ females value intelligence and capability. It’s just an attractive trait to have. You don’t have to be good at everything. Who is? However, be good at the things that are important to your “mastermind” system.
  7. Be Able to engage in deep, philosophical discussions. INTJs get bored easily. Their brains are constantly seeking new data, and if you don’t have anything to talk about but the weather, then you could easily bore them. That doesn’t mean they only want to talk about weighty issues. I could talk about some of my most ridiculous obsessions for hours. Anyone who has ever been a part of a Sherlock fandom will know what I mean.
  8. Be Open to an alternative lifestyle, or some weirdness – INTJ females have always been different. This difference stems from exposure, in the womb, to a high level of testosterone, which impacts their brain chemistry. Biological Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, whose research is used as a basis for relationship matching on Chemistry.com, has identified four primary temperaments, and correlated these to attraction tendencies. As far as understanding INTJs, they most likely fall into the Director category. I took the test and was categorized almost equally as a director and builder (slightly more director than builder).  Note: I am not on Chemistry.com, or any dating site.  According to Fisher, director types tend to be attracted to negotiators. The research is pretty interesting, so if you have an opportunity to read Fisher’s work, I encourage you to do so.
  9. Be Curious – INTJs love to learn. It doesn’t matter whether the topic is random, or deeply intellectual. Learning is one of the key traits of the INTJ female personality.
  10. Be Genuine – Refer back to Item 1. INTJ females are very cautious. They don’t jump into relationships quickly, so if you have succeeded in getting to the dating phase, your INTJ knows you pretty well, which is great. Dating means you’ve reached a significant milestone. There are many benefits to dating an INTJ. They accept you for who you are, and don’t judge you for your flaws (though they may have a catalogue of them). They don’t try to change you. They allow you your independence, if not your freedom (they’re committed, they expect you to be too). They’re reliable, loving, and trustworthy. So, congratulations! You’re dating an INTJ female – one of the most rare personality temperaments for women in the MBTI universe.

To some, it may seem arrogant to offer congratulations. It’s not meant to be. Every couple has to overcome challenges to get to the committed stage. Getting there with an INTJ is just a bit more difficult than it is with most women. Still, let’s be fair, no one wants heartbreak, least of all INTJ females. So, you will be tested, prodded, and tried beyond average endurance to get to the dating stage; but if you truly want the love of this very special type of girl, a girl who is guarded, but passionate once you’ve earned her trust, it’s well worth the effort. Think of it from her perspective, bringing a partner into your plans of world domination can put a real delay on the schedule. So INTJ women are very careful about who they let into their lives. More often than not, like my shirt says: no boyfriend = no problems.

Oh For Fashion’s Sake:

Pants: Zara

Shirt: Zara

Purse: Puma

Shoes: Converse

 

Sportyy Girl Love, Photo 5. Photo Credit: Mechelle Avey.

Sporty Girl Love, Photo 3. Photo Credit: Mechelle Avey.

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4 Comments

  1. Jacqui says:

    Hi
    INTJ female here – this article is spot on. Well done in capturing some common hurdles.
    Problem often is most men can’t handle the initial weird phase (which you described very well!) or feel intimidated by the INTJ woman and give up.

    1. Always Uttori says:

      You’re so right. Plus, a lot of guys want to teach you stuff and be super masculine. Most women would pretend to be impressed, but secretly think the guy was an idiot. INTJ females don’t do that. We’re more straightforward not willing to treat guys like they’re smarter than they really are. I think that’s more respectful to the guy. The weirdness, though, I think that’s us not being sure what to do with having feelings. If everyone else can be crazy when they’re falling in love, why can’t we just be weird?

  2. Sola says:

    Hi. INTJ female here and your article is spot on.
    As you wrote, “physical attraction rarely hijacks the INTJ female’s mind”, and in those very rare times that it does this INTJ female’s mind I am at a loss as to what to do.
    “If you find yourself crushing on a female INTJ, it’s important to understand that, even if the INTJ female is attracted to you, she won’t necessarily act on that attraction.” Well, what if after a great deal of deliberation, I decide that I do want to act upon it and so my question is what are these elusive actions? How can I engage in this mating ritual safely without having to be something I am not? I do not feel secure enough to try the straightforward approach either. I am not certain that the crush is indeed crushing on me but I am discerning enough to pick up on very subtle cues that such a probability could reasonably exist. I will be grateful for your advice.

    1. Always Uttori says:

      Sola,
      I just want to start out with my favorite part of what you said, “after a great deal of deliberation. . .” To me that’s important. It sounds like you’ve paid attention to his patterns, you’ve thought about how he would fit in terms of being a part of your life, and you’re ready to not be something you are not, but to become something that you’re meant to be. I have to be honest and say that I’ve read a lot about love and mating, but I don’t have tons of experience, so take my words with a grain of salt. There are a couple of things that you can do to help your guy have courage, according to the books. (1) Smile at him. (2) Touch him casually. (3) Be there, where he is, asking him questions, and responding to what he says. These are small tests that, in theory, alert him to your interest. Additionally, these things act as small data gathering exercises that help you to determine his interest level and decide on a course of action. He has to do his part too. You’re worth it, and the last thing you want to do is to get into a relationship with a guy who is too afraid to act. You will, eventually, get bored of him, if he never takes action. Can I ask what his M.B.T. I. is? And, let me know how things are going!

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